The Elusive Happiness Factor: A Conversation For Women (and men who want to know what women really think)
Are you happy? Are your girlfriends happy? Why or why not? Let’s explore what leads to happiness as well as discontent among women of all ages. It might surprise you. I’ll walk you through some of the research and share my personal thoughts and experiences. Here are some of the questions I want to explore with you: Does marriage make us happier or more dissatisfied and disillusioned? Will raising kids offer us joy and purpose or enslave us? How much of a role does a fulfilling career play?
I’m excited about starting this conversation with you because I wrote a book called Is This All There Is?, a fictional account of one woman’s search for happiness. Even with a reliable husband, two healthy kids, and a great part time job teaching at a university, thirty-five year old Beth Thomas still feels something is missing. We get a glimpse of her inner conflict in chapter one as she writes the following two questions in her journal, “Do other women fantasize about living a different life? Do they passionately love and loathe their families at the same time?” Soon after, Beth finds herself facing an impossible dilemma. Will she work to spice up her marriage and find pleasure in the life she’s living as it is? Or will she respond to the advances of a young former college student? Can she resist him as he showers her with attention and offers her an escape from the doldrums of daily life as a busy working wife and mother? You’ll have to read the book to find out.
A recent study by the American Psychological Association revealed that roughly half of all women surveyed said that their stress has increased over the past five years. Women are experiencing more angst than ever because we bought into the myth that we could do it all and have it all, with ease. Yet, the nirvana we expected to result from marriage, mothering, and careers seems just out of reach. Many of us are left burned out and mildly to seriously depressed by the nonstop hamster wheel we’re running around on. Do you ever feel that way?
In Is This All There Is?, I tried to find subtle ways to touch on the myriad issues women face, such as: struggles with food and body image, friendships, family relationships, healing childhood wounds, drug and alcohol use, inappropriate sexual encounters, and finding a purpose in life. I look forward to engaging in a dialogue with you on all these topics over time.
In my first few weekly blogs, we’ll take a closer look at the three major areas that are supposed to make us happy: marriage, motherhood, and career. Have we been sold a bill of goods or is there still hope for happiness?
25 Comments
40 year old, mother of 2 teenagers and very enthusiastic to be a part of this discussion. Constantly trying to find the balance to it all myself, this discussion will benefit all women!
Thanks for the enthusiasm for our discussion, Kaley! I look forward to hearing what you think about upcoming posts. I hope all who join our conversation will share what works for them as well as common frustrations and challenges.
I timidly admit that during difficult times with my husband, I’ve wondered if I’m just staying with him because the alternative – single motherhood with two young children – is just too daunting.
I look forward to this developing conversation, Ms. Mann.
Thank you so much for your honesty, Allison. I want us all to have an open discussion here, where it’s safe to share feelings like yours. I must admit I have felt the same way at times. We’re often forced to weigh the costs and benefits of staying married. My next blog post (tomorrow) will be an invitation to a deeper conversation about marriage and I hope more people will share their feelings and experiences. If any of you want to use a different name to keep your identity anonymous so that you can speak (write) freely, please do so!
Thank you for your wonderful topic and insight regarding the disillusionment of the expectation of marriages, children, careers and the attempt to keep up appearances. I think the road to enlightenment is in dismantling these expectations and learning to accept ourselves and others as they are. When we focus on our sense of wholeness that exists in every breath, we can calm the anxiety that so many of us feel at wishing life were more fulfilling.
I’m thinking, maybe life is already full. Maybe I’m already whole. Maybe we all are. The game of life is that we forgot that we are all we need to be and that we have all we need. Our angst and dissatisfaction forces us to look deeper, as the external world has totally failed from satisfying our hungry egos. The internal search leads us to the present… and it is there, that all is well. Your fictional journey story is all of ours… It is so entertaining, funny, and so relatable. What a pleasure…
I am 34 and I have been happily married for over two years (together 7 years) and I feel like I am happier than my girlfriends. Some may say it’s because we don’t have kids or a joint checking account but I think it is because we are best friends and respect each others right to our own lives. We do plenty together, however, we have our own friends and don’t feel the need to always do things together. I think this provides space to grow & learn. We also have trust. I’ll admit that I fear that bringing children into our lives may alter our perfect union- but we recently adopted 2 Irish Wolfhounds & we are handling parenthood quite well, intact when one of the dogs chews something or destroys the house we say “well done boys, now lets go out for a walk”. To us it is all perspective. We could be mad about losing “things” or be happy for the stories that these events capture. I hope my nostalgia doesn’t wane with time….
Jo-e, you are so wise! I couldn’t agree more that we need to dismantle the fairy tale expectations appreciate the fullness of life just as it is. The present moment is all we have and if we soak it in completely, there is abundant peace and joy right there.
Mimi, I love that you see your husband as your best friend and I especially love that you have your own friends and live your own lives. That’s key. When people lose their own identity in a relationship, it can’t be healthy. Congratulations on your recently adopted Irish Wolfhounds! Good practice for parenting! I have a blog in the works about parenting and how it impacts marriages – something I think a lot about. You’re right – it is absolutely about perspective, and also attitude. Almost anything can make you mad, sad, hurt, etc. if you let it. We choose how to respond and how to feel. We can choose differently – always. Something good for me to think about on this last day of 2012. Happy New Year everyone!
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Thanks Patricia.
I think it’s interesting that arranged marriages have such a low divorce rate. There are many societal factors involved but I think the biggest factor is one of expectation.
I think many couples are disappointed when they realize that those “romantic” feelings of being madly in love dissipate over time. But I don’t think it’s realistic for those feelings to last forever. They may come and go over the years….but it’s hard to consistently feel that way about someone when you see all of their warts over time and are placed in incredibly stressful situations like having to raise children and financially support a family.
It’s also amazing how poor most of us are at communicating in a relationship. We don’t learn that type of stuff at school (well maybe Professor Mann teaches it ;).
Ben Affleck told the truth: marriage is hard work but it’s the best kind of work! Triple that for raising kids! Very much looking foward to the blog post tomorrow and ensuing discussion.
I’ve always thought that was interesting about arranged marriages too, Kevin. I agree many people are disappointed when they realize real relationships take work and aren’t like what we see in the movies! We could definitely use more education in communication and relationship skills, in my opinion – myself included! 🙂 Yes, Ben sure was right!
Patricia, first of all, I’m really looking forward to your book, as the themes it explores are ones I think all married women deal with. We are told how to look and act so many different ways by so many different people, it’s amazing any of us get anything done. There’s the feminist view of how we should be, the commercial media’s view, and, oh yeah, our kids’ view. How do we balance it all, and how do we figure out when we’re really happy? Thanks for opening up a discussion we can all benefit from.
Thanks so much, Mary! I couldn’t agree more. We are pulled in so many directions and finding balance seems impossible at times. I’m so glad you’ve joined the conversation!
This is such an interesting subject Patricia. I think its human nature to question whether the grass might be greener if we’d taken a different route, because any relationship takes work and commitment. Having had a serious long term relationship when I was younger helped my marriage (I think of it as my trial run!) as did spending some time being single for a long period in between, and I think my marriage is all the better for that, though I won’t pretend it’s perfect by any means. It’s easy to hold your significant other to account for your happiness (or lack off) but our romantic relationships shouldn’t be (in my view) what defines us or what we turn to for fulfilment. Traditional romance novels do, to a degree fill us with an expectation of perfection in our soul mate, but life isn’t really like that. Your novel sounds refreshing and I’ll look forward to reading it.
Thanks, Ruth. I agree that a trial run is helpful. I had one of those too and learned a lot from it. It’s true that romance novels can create unrealistic expectations. But I still enjoy them. 🙂 In many ways my book is an anti-romance novel, I think. Didn’t necessarily mean for it to be, but that’s what ended up coming out.
Hi Patricia,
This is an interesting blog. I can’t really contribute much since I’m single and childless. That has its own struggles, as I’m sure you can appreciate, but it’s always interesting to see things in a different light.
Meredith, I think you have a lot to contribute. I think women who are married (including me) sometimes fantasize about how much easier life would be without having to take care of kids while working, etc., and some (definitely not all) women who aren’t married with kids think that having those experiences would bring them a kind of happiness that it doesn’t really bring. The real answer is to choose to be happy regardless of what our life situation is, as you wrote about so beautifully in the recent “Throwback Thursday” post you shared on your blog! http://meredithschorr.com/2014/03/27/throwback-thursday-blog-i-choose-happiness/
Hi Patricia,
What a great topic and blog. I had the long marriage (25 years) and now I am single with grown kids. I can relate to both sides. It’s human nature and natural to wonder about the other side, I sure did as a married woman when faced with loads of dirty sports clothes and kids to run around from one event to the next! Now that my kids are grown and I see my long-time married friends settling into retirement, I will admit to experiencing a slight jealous twinge. What brings me back to the present is the fact that I am doing exactly what I want-living my passion, writing. It’s all good. I wouldn’t change a thing and I can eat ice cream in bed any time 🙂
Hi Ellie! Thanks so much for your comments. I love hearing the perspectives of women in all the stages of life and relationships. So glad to hear that you wouldn’t change a thing. That’s what’s most important. I’m not so far off from the “empty nest” stage myself, just about 6 years, and I learn so much from women like you who seem to be enjoying it and doing what they want to do – like eating ice cream in bed! Carpe diem!
Why is if when questioning the role and happiness of women it’s always assumed they are already married and have children. How about the happiness of younger, older non married women who don’t have kids?
Thanks for pointing that out, Rachel. I didn’t mean to exclude anyone. I want to be as inclusive as possible in this conversation. I think we all have valuable insights and experiences to share. I also do not believe marriage and kids necessarily make us happy. That’s one of the themes of this blog, getting at the truth about how happiness is something we choose (or don’t) and it’s an inside job, not about what’s happening in our lives at any particular moment. I hope you’ll continue to join in our discussion!
I think this is a very thought provoking question for men and women alike. I know that I have during my life pondered this very question of myself and still don’t have any real answers for myself. What makes up happy and just what exactly does mean to each of us. I think happiness is defined by us for us – only each us can decide if what we have is what we want or need. There are always struggles and its how we choose to face them and resolve them that makes us who we are. I think this book will make many woman ask the question “Is This All There Is?”
Thank you for joining our conversation, Kathleen! It’s nice to meet a fellow “ponderer.” I’m not sure I have definite answers either. I’m still learning every day what happiness means for me. I hope the book helps women answer he question for themselves! Thanks again!
Hi Patricia,
Well, as you know, I loved your book because it spoke to me about lots of feelings I have experienced over the years. I have been married for 25 years (!), have 2 teenage children and I work part-time but I still find it difficult to juggle everything even now. I have only been working p/t since last September but in the end, we rearranged our finances so that I could do it because I was going mad trying to manage everything! I think problems arise because of our own expectations of what we think our lives should be but the reality is often very different and this is what can be so depressing. In addition, when you’re part of a family unit, you can’t just act for yourself, you have to consider the rest of the family. As long as everyone does that, it’s OK but women do tend to feel more ‘guilty’. I definitely have a better balance now than before but still don’t really enjoy my job and now I’m approaching 50, the phrase ‘Is this all there is?’ is a refrain that goes round and round my brain on a daily basis! I would add that my husband is very supportive and we work hard together at our relationship so I know I’m lucky on that front.