Happily Ever After?
Though my wedding day was nearly 20 years ago, I remember almost every moment of it as if it were last week. Wait, I don’t actually remember much from last week. Scratch that analogy. But seriously, as corny as it sounds my wedding day was one of the happiest days of my life. I was just 24 years old, blissfully unaware of the fact that I was in the very age group of women getting married (20-24) who are statistically most likely to eventually get divorced.
While the wedding went off without a hitch, the 20-year marriage has had its ups and downs. As we see many of our friends divorcing, for reasons we fully understand, we hang on, finding more to appreciate about each other than to complain about… most of the time. But it’s work. That’s the reality. In the end, it comes down to basic economics – the daily costs vs. benefits analysis.
There is some disagreement about how many married people in the United States divorce. Factors such as age at time of marriage, geographical location, socio-economic status, level of education, and many more make it difficult to pin down a clear number. However, the consensus seems to be this: roughly 50% of first marriages end in divorce, 60 % of second marriages fail, and 70% of third marriages don’t make it. I guess the third time is not a charm in this case.
Divorce is one way out, but a growing number of women are dealing with their marital dissatisfaction by having affairs. Estimates of how many women cheat on their partners range from 20-50%. I’ve seen countless female friends and colleagues allow themselves “a little something on the side” to make life more bearable. And I’ve been tempted myself. It’s not a wise choice. It’s not a kind choice. But in some cases, it is an understandable choice. We’ll dive into the topic of infidelity in an upcoming blog.
My husband and I recently read and gained a great deal from John Gray’s book, Why Mars and Venus Collide: Improving Relationships by Understanding How Men and Women Cope Differently with Stress. One of the biggest “aha moments” for me (yes, I’m a big Oprah fan, because she tells it like it is) was Gray’s take on how much we should expect a relationship to provide for us. He says we should be meeting the majority of our own needs, using the metaphor of filling our gas tank to 90%. Gray claims that if our tank is already 90% full, a good relationship can effectively top us off with that last 10%. He implies that sadly, many women are only at 50% or less on their own, expecting someone else to provide the rest. This is a clear setup for relationship failure. No one can live up to those expectations.
While I do believe marriage can add to a woman’s happiness, if she is already happy, I think we need to to be realistic about the fact that marriage does not necessarily make life easier or better.
The American Psychological Association’s findings are a wake-up call for us all: “Married women report higher levels of stress than single women, with one-third (33 percent) reporting that they have experienced a great deal of stress in the past month (8, 9 or 10 on a 10-point scale) compared with one in five (22 percent) of single women. Similarly, significantly more married women report that their stress has increased over the past five years (56 percent vs. 41 percent of single women).
Single women are also more likely than married women to say they feel they are doing enough to manage their stress (63 percent vs. 51 percent). Married women are more likely than single women to report they have experienced the following due to stress in the past month: feeling as though they could cry (54 percent vs. 33 percent), feeling irritable or angry (52 percent vs. 38 percent), having headaches (48 percent vs. 33 percent) and experiencing fatigue (47 percent vs. 35 percent).”
If you’re happily married or you would like to be in the future and don’t like these statistics, please don’t shoot the messenger! I’m just reporting the research and asking what your opinion is. So please comment! Whether you’re married or not, what are your thoughts on marriage? Or on committed, monogamous relationships in general?
**I’m compelled to note that I’m an avid supporter of gay and lesbian marriage rights. So when I refer to marriage or being a wife, I intend to include all women in committed relationships, whether they be legally recognized or not.
18 Comments
I just got out of a (bad) two year relationship (if it even deserves that label) and I said to my best friend the other day, “I feel so happy with him out of my life.” I think a lot of women grow up thinking it is the other way around — a man will make her complete and she will finally feel fulfilled when she finds “the one.” Over the last 10 years, my experience has been the opposite. I am not myself and become resentful and stressed when I lay my needs out on the table and they are not met — and it only worsens as I keep hoping things will change and I give too many second chances. I realize it’s because I need to get to know myself more before I can be in a healthy partnership. I think I’m at 70%, so here’s to filling the rest of my tank as I progress as a singleton!
Liz, I think there would be a lot more fulfilling, long lasting relationships out there if more people thought the way you do. Love your honesty and realization that you have to get to know yourself more before you can be in a healthy partnership with someone else. 70% is pretty damn good, girl! Keep filling up – based on what you want, not anyone else!!!
I can’t take credit for doing it all on my own — I have a lot of good examples set by the women around me. And, reading Florence Falk’s The Art of Being a Woman Alone helped a lot, too!
Love that title. I’ll have to check it out! Thanks, Liz.
WOW. What a fascinating blog post! I love the amount of research that went into writing it – many, many thought-provoking insights and statistics.
I’ve always explained my 18 years of marriage this way: 99% happy, but that 1% is so miserable it almost wipes out the 99%. Which is to say, it’s mostly okay, most of the time, but good gravy the bad times really stink.
We usually ignore each other and walk around the house pretending the other one doesn’t exist, and then a few days later we move past it. I suppose the key to staying married is to not get a divorce.
Thanks for hopping along the Hump Day Blog Hop, Patricia!
I love your math, Julie! I couldn’t agree more. I feel the same about my marriage. The 1% is so stinking miserable, I shudder to even think of it! Must go hug my husband now since we’ve thankfully been comfy in the 99% portion for a while lately. Thanks so much for commenting! 🙂
Can I tell you how much I loved your book? I read it ages ago, and I still think about it.
I completely agree that we need to find happiness and fulfillment in ourselves and not expect it from others. Not an easy task, but it is something that mothers especially, I think, push to the side when we’re immersed in our kids’ needs and lives. It is so important to find our own passion and pursue that. But again, it’s not easy when you’re doing laundry, making lunch and helping with countless pages of homework. 🙂
Sam, I feel exactly the same way about your book, Finding Lucas! I can’t wait for your next book to be released! It’s so true that being a mother complicates everything even more – our ability to keep a relationship strong as well as discover and pursue our passion. Conversations like this, with women who struggle with the same issues, make me feel less alone and having that support is so critical. Thank you for being you. You are such a wonderful person and shining light in our sisterhood of writers!
Wow, these are some fascinating stats, thanks Patricia! I’m a single gal, never been married (not yet, anyway) and I’m definitely going to check out that Florence Falk book. I’m all about working on myself these days.
Thank you, Anna! It does sound like a great book. We all need to work on ourselves, and if I had done more of that before I got married, my marriage might not have been as rocky as it was in the early days. Didn’t mean to be so cynical about marriage, hope I didn’t discourage the single gals like you. It can also be the most magical, beautiful experience at times. Just think we need to be realistic about it all. Thanks for commenting. This blog hop is so much fun. I’m off to hop over to your post next! 🙂
Those are some pretty depressing statistics, Patricia! And I wasn’t aware that women who get married between the ages of 20 and 24 are most likely to get divorced. I was 22 and this will be year 24 with my hubby. It definitely hasn’t always been easy, but you and I have had those conversations. 😉 Living with another person will always have its challenges, no matter who that person is. And when it comes to marriage, I don’t think any of us have realistic expectations of what that will entail until we’re in the thick of it. But if you find the right person, I honestly believe you can make it through the shit–as there will be plenty of it–as well as the roses. ♥
Great post! Totally agree–and I think that it’s often due to women’s tendency to always put themselves last. Is it our nature? Or conditioning? Either way, we never seem to see to our own needs, and that means tons of stress. My single friends often say their lives would be so much easier if they had a spouse. Um, not necessarily…
I know, Shelly, depressing! I wasn’t aware either – especially when I felt head over heels in love getting married at 24. Yes, you and I have had some of the best conversations I’ve ever had about love, life, marriage, kids, and the search for answers to all the big questions. While I like to push boundaries and spark debate about these issues, I’m so on board with you about how if you find the right person you can make it through the shit. I’m still here with my man, as are you, as we try to figure it all out. And honestly, I wouldn’t trade him for anything in the world at this point! 🙂 Miss talking with you more! We are so like-minded in the important ways, yet different enough to make it fun and interesting!
Thank you, Jayne! Yes, you are so right! We put ourselves last. I’ve been trying to stop doing that for… wait I have to go make my kids some food before I can finish that thought. 😉 I do think we’re socialized to be that way. I often feel the same way about single friends. I know they want someone to be there, but there’s so much that comes with it that it’s easy to forget when you’re longing for connection and affection. For a simple example, sometimes I’m so tired after a long day of work and coming home to interact with the kids that I just want to have whatever I want for dinner. But I can’t. I have to think about what he wants for dinner. Sometimes he makes it, but I feel obligated to do my fair share and make dinner for him often too, so I can’t just freakin’ relax at the end of a long day and do and eat what I want because I have to think about and take care of what 3 other people want first (husband & kids) and sometimes the idea of only having to think about that for myself is quite appealing. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband and kids and I suppose there are trade-offs for all of it, right?
I’m so glad I found this on the hump day blog hop! What a great post! This is the kind of stuff I write about. Definitely a lot to be explored here. Looking forward to checking out your book.
This is only the second time I’ve read your blog, the last one being about your trip to Italy. So, I was completely surprised by the topic and your candor… LOVED IT!
I lived with someone for eight very long and painful years, and spent another five or six forgiving myself for staying in it. However, I did learn from it that no one person can satisfy all the needs another person has. In my gut, I believe this is what is meant by, “It takes a village.”
I’ve been happily married for eighteen years. But I’ve not been happy the whole time – as a wife or as an individual. It was only when I worked hard on being a happy me that I can say the stress, headaches, fatigue and guilt began to dissipate.
Much of my blog is about my childhood, previous relationship and my marriage. There I write about what I know most intimately. I appreciate your doing the same.
(BTW: Very curious, but NOT asking, what your husbands “aha” moment was.)
Thanks so much for the kind words, Celia! Thanks for your honesty too. I think we need more of that. I agreed that “it takes a village.” I also share your views on how we need to work to be happy and that there are countless emotional and physical benefits. Your blog sounds great. I’ll be sure to check it out. Great question about what my husband’s “aha” moment was. Unfortunately, since I posted this a while back, I don’t remember! I would be happy to share if I did! I’ll have to open up a new conversation with him to find out and maybe that’ll inspire a new blog post. 🙂 Love your comments!
great posts here. so much to think about. thank you for the information.