My Baby’s Behind the Wheel

teen-driverSome life changes happen so slowly you barely notice them. Like when you start to realize that your dog has gotten old and might not live much longer, though you can’t begin to imagine your home without him. That was me not so long ago.

Other changes literally happen overnight and you find yourself completely blindsided by the unexpected and messy emotions they bring, even when you knew the change was coming. That’s me today.

My 16 year old son got his driver’s license yesterday.

My husband and I have been ecstatic about this prospect for some time. So much so that we bought our son a car for his birthday. We talked endlessly about how much easier life was going to be. No more shuffling work and other obligations to run all over town getting both our kids to school, activities, appointments, and friends’ houses. Freedom. That’s what I expected it to feel like, delicious freedom.

But this morning, when my 16 year old son left to take his little brother to school, then pick up a schoolmate for carpool (both of which would have been our responsibility just the day before), I felt kind of sad. In fact, I felt a little sad all day. It’s now 4:34 in the afternoon and I don’t know when he’ll be home. It’s also starting to sink in that I often won’t know when he’ll be home from now on. Somehow, it feels like loss, not the freedom I anticipated.

I don’t mean to be dramatic about this. I know all parents go through it at some point, and it’s not a tragedy. I’m thankful that my kids are healthy and doing well. I’m also very happy that my son seems to be a responsible driver, having spent many hours at the wheel, convincing me that he’s reasonably safe out there. But this whole situation makes me wonder if we don’t have kids, at least in part, so that we feel less alone in life. I’m pondering the possibility that we bring these dependent little creatures into the world because it feels so good to be needed and to have company you can always count on. And when that changes, when you’re suddenly not necessary for the things you were so in demand for the day before, when you’re no longer your child’s favorite companion, not even anywhere near the top of the list, it can make you question who you are in the world.

I was in a meeting yesterday where someone said, “the most important quality for success in life is the ability to adapt to change.” I nodded half-heartedly, having heard the platitude a million times before. But just one day later, I’m feeling the weight of that reality and hoping I’ll be able to rise to the challenge a little better tomorrow. I’m also hoping my son will come home for dinner tonight.

* A happy update: Not only is my 16 year old son now home at 5:00 p.m., but he brought a friend with him and they’re in his room playing with Legos! All feels right with the world again and I’m wondering if maybe he wasn’t ready for things to change quite so much so quickly either.  Legos, really?

Thanks for reading.

Patricia

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