My First Time

I had the most surreal “first time” experience a few nights ago.  It was a dinner outing with women in a book club.  Doesn’t seem too out of the ordinary, right?  But the book they read and came together to discuss was mine.

At first, it just felt like a nice dinner with a few dear friends and some of their friends, which allowed me to set aside the nervousness I had felt all week.  You see, four of the twelve were women I’ve known and loved as if they were family since college. That’s a long time.  Since way back in the dark ages before cell phones and Facebook.  How did we survive?  As I settled in and enjoyed a nice glass of pinot, it all felt perfectly normal.  I forgot about the book and enjoyed chatting about kids, work, weight loss – typical female conversational fare.

At some point, I realized I hadn’t been introduced to the woman I was talking with.  I wanted to know her name so I said something along the lines of, “I’m Patricia, by the way.”  She gasped and her eyes opened wide as she said, “You’re Patricia?”  It’s the closest thing I’ll probably ever feel to being a celebrity.  Wow, pretty heady.  Thanks for that gift – in case you happen to read this.  If it’s okay, I’ll just call you Lucinda, to preserve your anonymity.  I still can’t get over the fact that your husband’s name is actually Rick, the name of my main character Beth’s husband.

That moment pulled me back into the realization that this was not a regular night out with a bunch of moms just like me.

Those two words, “You’re Patricia?” coming from this beautiful and fascinating new acquaintance, along with her tone and facial expression, sent a strong, intoxicating message.  My book resonated with her.  She couldn’t wait to talk about it.

Suddenly, I couldn’t wait to talk about it either.  But I was also afraid.  Flutters of excitement tinged with terror danced in my stomach and I wondered if I’d be able to enjoy any of the yummy sounding Gorgonzola salad I’d ordered.  Turns out I ate most of it in the car on the way home – the deliciousness of the conversation that occurred was as much sensory pleasure as I could handle.

After ordering our food, we all went back to talking about our lives and families, and I relaxed again. That is, until Lucinda pulled out her book, looked at me and asked, “So when do we get to start the interrogation?”

You might think a question like that would throw me into a state of panic, but she asked it in such a friendly, non-threatening way, that it had the opposite effect.  I realized I was eager to get started too, especially since the liquid courage on an empty stomach was doing its job quite nicely by that point.

I thought I was supposed to give some kind of a speech so I talked a little bit about how I wrote the book and why I decided to use a pseudonym.  They listened politely, but after a couple of minutes, someone dove right in with a question and I was more than happy to shift gears from speech mode to Q & A mode.

Thinking back, I probably should have started right off by asking for questions.  No speech necessary.  Everything came out in the end.  In fact, I disclosed far more personal information than I ever expected I would.  I’m still asking myself, “Did I really tell them that?”  But there was something about this group of women that made me feel completely safe and supported, even though I had just met most of them.  And what some of the other women disclosed completely floored me.  To the incredible woman who shared her story with such raw honesty and emotion, bringing us into the excruciating world of the other side of infidelity, I learned so much from you and find myself regularly reflecting on the things you opened up about so generously.  Thank you.

After the first few questions, sparks started to fly and it was magical.

One woman proclaimed with conviction, “I didn’t like Dave!” (Beth’s extramarital love interest) and another responded with, “I loved Dave!”  One of the more reserved women looked me in the eye and whispered, “Oh, that song he wrote for her.”  A heated debate ensued, with everyone talking over each other to voice their opinions about Dave.  I sat back and watched as if I were dreaming.  It didn’t matter to me whether or not they liked Dave.  I felt incredibly blessed that my book somehow stirred so much passion and gave them something to talk about in such an animated way.  I’m finally starting to see the connections between my being a communication professor and this book.  It seems to get people talking about subjects they might not normally delve into, and I absolutely love that!

Then one of the women I’ve known forever, who is the mom of two of my other friends who were there, and is the coolest mom ever, fitting in just as if she were the same age as us, jumped in with, “I really liked the husband!”  Of course she would see the good in him – she is the most loving person and has been a devoted wife to her own wonderful husband for over 50 years.

But Lucinda rolled her eyes, in clear disagreement, and a new round of debate began over whether Rick was a good guy who just didn’t have the best communication skills or was unforgivably neglectful.  Again, I mostly sat back and tried to take in as much as I could.  I especially liked how this topic led to a rich discussion about the possibility that women need more out of relationships while men are often satisfied with less, causing obvious problems.

The most contentious issue, as I had expected, was what Beth did and did not do, in terms of physical intimacy with Dave.  If you haven’t read the book, I hope you will, so I’ll try to explain with minimal spoilers.

Opinions ranged from those who were angry with me for not letting Beth enjoy an all out sex fest with her adoring young stud to those who cringed at just the thought of what Beth and Dave did do together.  The most interesting part of this, to me, was that those who were opposed to Beth’s behaviors were in no way judgmental about it.  They made it clear that it wasn’t about what she did being “bad” or that they couldn’t understand her desires and choices.  It was about the damage they knew it would cause to her family, the unspeakable pain it would inflict on her husband, who was, after all, a decent guy.  It was also about the devastation it had caused in their own lives or the lives of people they knew and cared about.  This is why seeing the tears and feeling the pain of one who had been betrayed in this way was so needed as part of this extraordinary experience, and so appreciated and deeply absorbed by every one of us.

I don’t know how to find words to thank each and every woman who attended the evening that I will never forget as long as I live.  It showed me that though it has been a very long, hard, thankless, and expensive road, there were good reasons for me to share this book with the world.  I’ve come to terms with the fact that making money isn’t likely to be one of the rewards, but after a night like this one, I realize there are riches far greater.

So much love to the women who graced us with your presence and your open hearts and minds at that lovely Italian restaurant on Ventura Boulevard on the night of April 21, 2013.  It will be one of the greatest memories of my life.