To Be Or Not To Be… A Parent
*Note: This blog post is not as long as it appears! There is an optional piece at the end!
Got kids? Not yet? Not ever? I think that includes all of us. If I’m wrong, let me know. Let’s tell the truth about our mixed up, messy feelings about parenting, whether we have kids or not. One thing I know for sure is that you have or had parents or caretakers of some kind and that makes you an expert on the subject.
I’m a mom. Yes, my world revolves around my kids. The depth of the love I feel for them is not something I could possibly express in words (the optional piece at the end is a start). But there’s also a lot more to me than the label “mom” signifies and it bothers me when people don’t see that. I have big dreams and ambitions for myself as well as for my kids. I’m also not one of those moms who thinks everyone should have children. In my circle of friends, there are as many women and men who don’t have kids as there are who do. I actually love their availability and the grown-up conversations we have, not to mention the pleasure of sharing a glass of wine in a consistently clean, clutter free, quiet home!
So the question I want to raise here is whether or not having children makes us happy. If it does, by all means let’s all go out and procreate to our hearts’ content… or begin the adoption process or visit the sperm bank… whatever your personal means may be. But if the research shows something different or more complex, we must face the truth and prepare ourselves for the hard realities of parenting, if we take it on. Because as Jackie Kennedy famously said, “If you bungle raising your children, I don’t think whatever else you do matters very much.”
A Pew Research Center study shows that in the last thirty years the number of women in their early 40s who don’t have children has gone from 10% to 18%, with 20% of those women saying they’re definitely planning to stay that way. If you’re a parent, did you ever consider not having children? What made you decide to have kids? Would you do it again if you knew then what you know now? Was there ever a weak moment when you thought you were in over your head? The 2 a.m. feedings and unsolvable crying jags that left you sobbing right along with the baby and wanting to run away from it all? And remember when you undid your sweet little one’s diaper only to have liquid poo sprayed all over you and the surrounding area? Isn’t that a special memory? It’s extra special when it happens at someone else’s home and you get caught frantically trying to sop hot gooey feces off their pristine comforter. Don’t even get me started on the teenage years…
If you don’t have kids, do you feel pressure from society to take that leap, ready or not? Do people routinely and rudely make references to your ticking biological clock, even if you’re single? If you don’t want to have kids, can you speak those words out loud or do you fear the judgment of others? Why should you be made to feel guilty for wanting a life free of endless needs to be met and awful smells permeating your home? Why should you apologize for choosing the freedom to travel and put your hard earned money in the bank rather than being trapped in suburbia forced to feed perpetually hungry mouths and clothe trendy label demanding bodies with every last penny?
Here’s the cold, hard truth: research shows that having children decreases happiness. Daniel Gilbert, a professor of psychology at Harvard University wrote in Time magazine, “Studies reveal that most married couples start out happy and then become progressively less satisfied over the course of their lives, becoming especially disconsolate when their children are in diapers and in adolescence, and returning to their initial levels of happiness only after their children have had the decency to grow up and go away.” Is this true in your experience or the experiences of couples you know with kids?
Countless studies reveal the same dismal picture. For example, a study by Jean M. Twenge, W. Keith Campbell, and Craig A. Foster in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that parents report lower marital satisfaction compared with nonparents. In another article in the Journal of Marriage and Family, Norval D. Glenn and Sara McLanahan warned, “the best evidence now available indicates that the present young adults should not decide to have children on the basis of expectations that parenthood will lead to psychological rewards in the later stages of life. The prospects for such rewards seem rather dim, at best.”
The findings seem consistent: having kids results in significantly less happiness overall and puts a tremendous strain on a marriage. Yet, those of us who have kids will tell you that our kids are everything to us and we couldn’t imagine life without them. Speaking personally, my children bring me more joy, laughter, and meaning than anyone or anything else in my life. I’m also willing to admit that my children have brought me more pain and suffering than anything else in life as well – either by seeing them in pain or as a direct result of their actions. Actions I have come to realize I have far less control over than I ever could have known when they were little cells dividing in my womb.
What about the potentially negative impact of bringing children into a marriage or committed relationship? Based on the studies mentioned above, one might assume that the divorce rate is higher for couples with kids. The opposite is true. Studies show that among divorced couples in the United States, 66 percent are childless compared with 40 percent who have kids. So maybe kids can be the glue that binds us together. But isn’t being happily married more important than simply staying married? That’s a trickier number to pin down. Still, I must admit that nothing makes me feel more in love with my husband than seeing him in daddy mode – tenderly caring for and mindfully guiding our kids.
So here’s my challenge to all parents out there. If you have kids, think about why you had them. Think about how they have affected your marriage or relationship with the partner you chose to raise children your children with. Be honest. Talk to others about it and ask what their experiences and feelings are. If you’re raising kids by yourself, do you feel bitter about it? I know I would. Too much is left unspoken. Let’s lift the taboo of admitting to one another how difficult it is to be a parent so we can support each other more. And after you’ve admitted what an impossible job it is to raise kids, can you then relax and try to enjoy it? Can you let go of the standard of perfection and see the value of a lazy afternoon of soaking up the sunshine while watching your kids play in the park? Will you close your ears to the voices telling you that you should be striving to climb the next rung of the corporate ladder rather than playing Monopoly? Gloating as you place your hotels on Park Place and Boardwalk can be as intoxicating as clubbing was in your 20s, without the brutal hangover the next day.
For my friends out there who don’t have children, but want to, are you being honest with yourself about why? Can you say with certainty that you want to be a parent for the “right reasons?” Would you be brave enough to read the research that says having kids makes life harder, makes us less happy, and puts relationship satisfaction at risk before you make your final choice? If you’re willing to face parenthood fully aware of all it entails and you still feel that powerful calling, I say go for it. But please, please, please ask for and accept help. You will need it more than you can possibly imagine. And forgive yourself when you make mistakes, because you will – again and again – even when you’re 80 and your baby is 50. It’s most definitely a marathon, not a sprint.
If you don’t want to have kids, will you be bold enough to make that statement with confidence in public? Maybe you’re honest with yourself about not being a kid-person. Or maybe you love kids and simply want to play a different role in their lives. I had the pleasure of seeing Elizabeth Gilbert speak at a book signing for Eat, Pray, Love, where she explained to us the importance of what she calls the “Auntie Brigade.” Gilbert decided not to have children herself but generously provides her sister with much-needed breaks and vacations alone with her husband, taking her auntie role very seriously. She says, “I think one of the reasons why aunties are so important is because every child needs a responsible, loving, caring, adoring adult who is not a parent where they can go to visit and be safe and be loved and be cared for. And that’s also where they can practice expressing different sides of their personality, in a new environment that’s got different rules but the same amount of boundaries of love.” I would change the label to “Auntie and Uncle Brigade” because I also know many fabulous uncles who don’t have children and play a key role in their nieces and nephews’ lives. Whether or not you want to be part of this brigade, if you choose not to have children, I encourage you to communicate openly about your reasons and feelings. It could provide great comfort to others who feel the same way you do. The bottom line is that having children is a choice and whatever choice we make should be our own and should be thoroughly considered from every angle.
I look forward to hearing what you have to say on this!
*As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I have never been able to find adequate words to convey my love for my children. The piece below comes close, so I thought I’d share it for those of you who love sappy, sentimental mommy stuff, as I do. 🙂
Patricia
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MOTHERHOOD… IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE by Dale Hanson Bourke
Chicken Soup for the Woman’s Soul
Time is running out for my friend. We are sitting at lunch when she casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of “starting a family.” What she means is that her biological clock has begun its countdown and she is considering the prospect of motherhood.
“We’re taking a survey,” she says, half jokingly. “Do you think I should have a baby?” ”It will change your life,” I say carefully. ”I know,” she says. “No more sleeping in on Saturdays, no more spontaneous vacations…” But that is not what I mean at all. I look at my friend, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds of childbirth heal, but that becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will be forever vulnerable. I consider warning her that she will never read a newspaper again without asking, “What if that had been my child?” That every plane crash, every fire will haunt her. That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will look at the mothers and wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die.
I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think she should know that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will immediately reduce her to the primitive level. That a slightly urgent call of “Mom!” will cause her to drop her best crystal without a moment’s hesitation. I feel I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might successfully arrange for child care, but one day she will be waiting to go into an important business meeting, and she will think about her baby’s sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure he is all right.
I want my friend to know that everyday routine decisions will no longer be routine. That a visit to Mc Donald’s and a five year old boy’s desire to go to the men’s room rather than the women’s room will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that danger may be lurking in the rest room.
I want her to know that however decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother. Looking at my attractive friend, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but will never feel the same about herself. That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give it up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years, not so much to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish his.
I want her to know that a cesarean scar or stretch marks will become badges of honor. My friend’s relationship with her husband will change, but not in the ways she thinks. I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is always careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his son. I think she should know that she will fall in love with her husband again for reasons she would never have imagined.
I wish my modern friend could sense the bond she will feel with other women throughout history who have tried desperately to stop war and prejudice and drunk driving. I want to describe to my friend the exhilaration of seeing your son learn to hit a baseball. I want to capture for her the laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog for the first time. I want her to taste the joy that is so real that it hurts. My friend’s quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes.
“You’ll never regret it,” I say finally.
10 Comments
Wow what an interesting question. I do not think that having children makes you happy. Being a mom is the hardest, most exhausting, and thankless job I have ever had. But it is also the reason I get out of bed in the morning. His laugh warms my heart; his yummy kisses put me in a place I could have never imagined before I had him. Yes, I am happy being a mom. It has changed me forever. There is not a moment of the day that I am not thinking about him. I can hardly watch sad Tv shows anymore. Shopping “BC” (Before Children) was all about me. Now it is about him, what size shoes is he today? Every vacation has a new meaning. Relaxing is not usually one of them. Better question is; how much is the kids club? I think I am happy most of the time. I was happy single and now I am happy married. I was happy in school and now happy in my career.
I have always wanted to be a mom. I would do it again in a heartbeat. But knowing now what I know, I would have started 20 years earlier. Having a 6 year old in my late 40’s is a challenge.
I am the only one who can create my own happiness in life. I am just so happy to have one amazing kid to take along on the ride with me. And on those days when I am feeling blue, I just look at him and I am reminded how precious life is and how lucky I am to have him!
My response to the woman who asked if she had kids would have been much shorter. If you have to ask, then in my opinion you shouldn’t have kids. Only people who want children so badly that it’s not even a choice should have children. Because it’s so much more work than you could ever possibly imagine, and you will in many ways lose your old life.
I think the only way to really be “happier” after having children is if you can really enjoy and appreciate the very little things….like the feel of your child’s head on your shoulder as you sing them to sleep. Would you give your entire life up to know what that feels like? Because you’ll have to. If you can’t say yes than you might be happier to stay childless – and there is nothing wrong with that. But if you have the desire in your heart to love another human being more than you love yourself….then you might be in for the ride of your life.
Thank you for those honest and beautiful words, Jamie! It was nice to have someone else admit that, “Being a mom is the hardest, most exhausting, and thankless job.” At the same time, I love hearing and feeling and seeing (when we’re together) how in love you are with your son! I don’t blame you – he’s quite a charmer! When you said, “I am the only one who can create my own happiness in life,” you hit the nail on the head – for me, at least. It’s hard to remember that and to realize that any relationship, material possession, experience, etc. will not lead to happiness if it doesn’t already exist inside us. Thanks for commenting! <3
Great points, Kevin! You argue like someone who does it for a living! 🙂
Just to play devil’s advocate (you always like to do that with me – right?), I don’t know about your comment that if you have to ask, you shouldn’t have kids. I think some people really struggle with it and then finally realize they want to do it. I recently had a long talk with a woman who is a lesbian and never wanted kids. She told me that one day, at 40 years old, she was in the shower and it hit her like a ton of bricks that she wanted to have a child. She was single and struggling financially but the calling was too strong to ignore. She used a sperm donor and now she and her eleven year old son seem blissfully happy. He’s a smart, sweet young man and they have all kinds of fun adventures together. But maybe that does fit with what you’re saying, even though she thought she didn’t want to have kids, once she realized she did, it was no longer a choice, it was an undeniable calling. I completely agree that it’s about the very little things. You said it beautifully… “If you have the desire in your heart to love another human being more than you love yourself… then you might be in for the ride of your life.” That sums it up perfectly, Kevin. Thank you. Your beautiful wife and 3 adorable kids (and maybe more to come?) are very lucky you’re such a loving husband and father! 🙂
There is SO MUCH to say here.
And yet if I do, it’ll be the start of my own book!
The overly simplified version … I feel I have a full and enriching life without my own children AND if it’s the stars to marry again and he happens to already have kids I know I would be an amazing Stepmom and possibly Grandma. There is no clock ticking for me. I am crystal clear that I have no desire to have children on my own and that parenthood, be it for little ones or adult children, is something I would only entertain with a partner who is very much interested in being a Father and co-parenting with me. With such a man, I would also consider adopting. Though I can see a full and enriching life continue to unfold without kids, if I am really honest with myself, I sense my kids are already here (beyond my students and clients) and we just haven’t found our way to one another yet.
In addition to my above two cents, I wanted to share two related resources that I have taken an interest in and think you and your readers might too. I think they add to the conversation well 🙂
http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/A-Mothers-Love_1
The first is an Oprah overview of Ayelet Waldman’s 2005 Essay “Motherlove” where she shares “I love my husband more than I love my children” — to the outrage of nearly all of the moms in the audience.
http://henriettemantel.com/books/
No Kidding: Women Writers on Bypassing Parenthood, a new book coming out by comedy writer Henriette Mantel and including Margaret Cho, Wendy Liebman, Laurie Graff, and other accomplished, funny women—writing about why they opted out of motherhood.
The only way to do/not do motherhood is the way that works for you personally. I have deep respect for mothers and all those who nuture in different ways, be it for family members or those who become dear in other ways.
I do sometimes wonder though, if I persist in being self-centered in certain ways because I only have to tend to my own needs and that of my cat 😉
Wendy, thank you for sharing your feelings so honestly – your two cents are very much appreciated and they are always packed with wisdom and grace. I love that you are crystal clear that you have no desire to have children on your own and that you’re also open to any form of parenting that may present itself to you!
I can understand the outrage of the moms in that audience. I can also understand the message that we need to value our primary relationship and keep it strong. But I don’t believe it’s beneficial for anyone to quantify and rank the many different forms of love we feel. I wouldn’t want to say I love my husband more or my kids more. Each love is so unique and special and can’t be compared with another. But I get it, and I applaud her for playing devil’s advocate, because I think that’s what she was trying to do. In fact, that’s a big part of what my book is about – how we need to make time for our relationship with our partner even when the demands of child-rearing and work feel as if they’re sucking every loving, nurturing, attentive ounce out of us.
I love that there’s a great humor book on bypassing parenthood! Since more and more women are making that choice or finding themselves in that situation based on how things turned out, there should be a strong community of women to provide support. It seems to me similar to many other numerical minorities in society. People assume if you’re a woman you have or want children. When I’m with a group of women and one or more does not have children, I’m sensitive to when the conversation about diaper rash remedies and preschool programs goes on for way too long. But maybe that’s just because it’s usually enough for me too and I’m ready to talk about something more intellectually stimulating. My snarkiness on this probably comes through – in my character Beth. She tires quickly of the moms who have nothing to talk about besides their kids. But it comes from her fear that she is also that woman, who has given up her own dreams and hopes and desires for her kids.
I so agree with you Wendy – the only way to do or not do motherhood is the way that works for you personally!
As far as being self-centered if you don’t have kids, I don’t know… Oprah says she’s been able to give the world what she has given (which for me is huge – she’s given me so much!) because she made the choice not to put that energy into biological children of her own.
Love this conversation! Thank you, Wendy!!! 🙂
Is our purpose in life not to procreate? All I’m hearing here is loss and change and unhappiness. I knew I was going to have kids ever since I was a child. I thought that everyone did, but as I grew older and society changed, people changed too. As for the results from all of these “studies” being conducted, I’ll give you some results.
I have two beautiful daughters and a loving husband. I don’t feel like I’ve lost anything. My heart couldn’t be more content. If anything, my relationship has become more solid from having kids. My girls give me more love and meaning in life than anything else in the world. Family is everything to me. Life isn’t perfect and kids don’t take care of themselves, but as I sit here with my sick child’s fever burning through my shirt sleeve after coming home from my full time day job, I wouldn’t change a thing. My kids are my future. 🙂
Wow Patricia! What a great article and I hope you braced yourself knowing that it would be very controversial with extreme opinions in either direction.
I may be unusual in that I was already aware of the staggering statistics of how high the numbers are of parents who rate their lives as less happy and less fulfilling than non-parents. I think it is wonderful that you brought this to the forefront for discussion.
In my opinion, the genetic/hormonal urge to procreate is something that often overrides people’s logical minds. Combined with societal pressures that offer the assumption that every couple should have kids (and you must be strange or selfish if you don’t), I have no doubt that there are many, many parents out there who, if given the chance with the knowledge of hindsight, would not have chosen to have kids. They might not admit this aloud, but it’s the truth.
As a mom of two and step mom of two more, I do receive a certain amount of pleasure from having had children. I will openly admit that I enjoyed them most as babies and now, as teenagers. The in-between years when they were toddlers and little kids? Honestly, grueling! And I also think it’s the very rare marriage that can survive those years unscathed.
Thanks for writing one of the best blog articles I’ve ever had the opportunity to enjoy!
Patricia…
My reaction to this is probably not the norm. I cried while reading it. I could answer all your questions, but I’m a wordy girl and my answers would be longer than the post.
Like you, I think parenthood should be a choice minus the stigma, if the choice is not to procreate. In turn, I also believe there are people that shouldn’t have children…but that’s a subject for another day.
Children are work…personified. It is the greatest accomplishment in life to see a six pound glob of silly putty be molded into a smart, loving, respectful and caring human being. That takes time, patience and the hardest work known to man. They slip away if you do less.
From a woman that knows life without the maternal love and protection from her mother, I can honestly say my two daughters are better for it. I am the mother I never experienced. They know they are my life’s blood, they are loved beyond words, and more importantly, they are protected. Children learn what they live…hopefully mine will be good mothers if they so choose. I’m glad they live in a society where they have that choice.
Fantastic article my new friend…
Taylor
Taylor, thank you so much for your comments, which brought tears to my eyes. Wish I could reach out to wherever you are and give you a big hug. Being a parent is the hardest job there is, even when one has the best role models. I give you so much credit for being such a dedicated mom despite the fact that you didn’t have that maternal love and protection from your own mother. Glad you found this article and so happy to have a wonderful new friend!