SEX
“So… how many times a week do you do it?” Is anyone you know bold enough to ask that question in a group? It happens once in a while when I’m with girlfriends and I love it, especially when the truth serum of alcohol is involved. I’m rarely the one with the courage to ask, but I’m always grateful to whoever did. Answers I’ve heard recently ranged from, “can’t even remember the last time, about three months ago,” to “once each night and twice every morning.” And I kid you not – that couple has three kids, the oldest in college. You go, girl! I’m curious about what causes the wide range in levels of interest and activity. We all know the sex is hot, steamy and frequent early in a relationship. But what leads to the differences later on? Physical issues? The degree of emotional intimacy? Unresolved hurts and conflicts? Busyness? Is it different for same sex couples? I hope you’ll share your thoughts so we can learn from each other!
Here’s the truth for me. My husband and I seem to be below average on this one. According to multiple sources (what did we do before Google?) the average married couple has intercourse 2 to 3 times per week. We average once a week. In my defense, isn’t quality more important than quantity? It may only be once a week, but these days, it’s pretty damn good. I look forward to it. I enjoy it. Unlike the main character in my book, Beth, whose interest in sex with her husband has vanished entirely, for understandable reasons, I’m still into it. In chapter five, after downing enough wine, Beth confesses to her friend Shelly, “We probably do it once every two weeks or so, just a quickie under the covers in the dark.” Has it gotten to that point for any of you?
Has your interest in sex declined with age? According to menopause.org, women are two to three times more likely than men to be affected by a decline in sex drive as they age, commonly beginning at around 40. I have to admit that I’ve noticed this myself. If you’re over 40 like me, have you felt a change? As much as I adore my man, sometimes I need a little something extra to get in the mood… and thankfully he’s open to providing whatever I ask for. I’ll let your imagination run wild with that one. Don’t get all Fifty Shades of Grey on me though. Reading Anastasia and Christian’s escapades can get the fire burning, but I’m not so sure about doing any of it myself. What about you? Anyone out there want to educate us about the joys of S & M?
Sex and relationship expert, Dr. Laura Berman, says the biggest turn on for women is being desired. Do you agree? If a woman doesn’t feel desired by her partner, is she more likely to seek attention outside her relationship? When Beth reflected on the pull she felt to read and reread flirtatious emails from her former student Dave, she admitted, “being desired in this way was my new drug and I was starting to need a daily fix.” In next week’s blog, we’ll take a look at the realities of infidelity.
Writing this blog post has inspired me to increase my weekly average. Are you inspired too? I hope so. According to WebMD, by having more sex we can reduce stress, boost our immune system, burn extra calories, improve heart health, increase self-esteem, and much more. If you want the full story on the benefits, check this out: http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/guide/10-surprising-health-benefits-of-sex?page=2.
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15 Comments
Is it bad that I don’t keep count? I do think my husband and I are in synch – meaning it goes in cycles. We always seem to know what the other is thinking. The most fabulous thing is that I am not afraid to share any of my thoughts/ideas with him (no, not 50 shades type of ideas!)- so I feel fulfilled in that area. I think it’s important to have open communication. I agree with the desire part- my husband must be aware of this trick as well! I get such a thrill when he texts me something dirty out of the blue!
If you’re not keeping count, then that must mean everyone’s happy! Being in sync is what it’s all about. I wish all women felt as free to share their thoughts and ideas about sex with their partners. I agree that open communication is key. Happy your husband makes you feel desirable. Oh yeah, those out of the blue dirty texts are the best! In my world, I have to remember to delete them since my kids play with my phone. Haha!
web md is right!
having been on both sides of the spectrum i can confidently say that my next “relationship” with be a long-term sextival 🙂
Woo hoo! Enjoy your long-term sextival, Jake! Great word – could be a song title – but then you’re the rock star, not me! 🙂
Desirability — so true! Lack of it definitely led me astray one too many times in the past. But good to know my selfish acts did come from somewhere. Thanks for this post!
You are so not alone, Liz! Studies show that while men tend to cheat because they’re tempted physically, for women it usually starts more with an emotional need – the need for attention, affection, and to feel desired.
I struggle mightily with this issue. It’s a more difficult one for my husband and I than finances.
He says he desires me all the time.
Unfortunately for him, I RARELY feel sexual desire. I’m absolutely still attracted to him, but it feels like it’s buried pretty deep beneath the every day needs of two small children, my small business, and the myriad responsibilities that are mine.
Once I can shift gears and get in The Mood, our biggest issue is that I don’t know what I want.
My husband is an incredible lover! He thinks about sex many times every day and thinks about ways we can be together. But those thoughts simply do not enter my mind. It feels like WORK to imagine what I want.
Am I alone in this? I feel sexually stunted.
Thank you so much for your honesty, Allison. It is a struggle for many of us. I know what you mean about being attracted to your husband and loving him but still not really feeling the sexual desire. With kids and work, we’re pulled in so many directions and are so exhausted that it’s very difficult to get in the mood and to figure out what we want when we are in the mood. I get it, and I am searching for answers to these questions too. I was trying to describe this once and it seemed to me that it was like a recipe I had all the perfect ingredients for, yet when I put them all together, it just didn’t taste right. Any other thoughts out there? Maybe from women who have a great sex life in a long term relationship? How do you get the fire burning and keep the spark alive???
Love this article! Yes, I completely agree that the biggest turn-on for a woman is being desired… a status that can be hard to maintain in the throes of marriage, parenting, working, etc. I believe it takes both spouses to be aware of the need and make a specific effort to maintain it.
As for frequency of sex… I’m disappointed! Here I was, thinking the 2-3 times a week we “do it” is more than most people. Suddenly, we’re average? I’m going out to get some oysters… LOL!
Thanks, Lori! I think 2-3 times a week is fantastic with all you’ve got going on! You’re my new role model. 😉
It’s the opposite for me. Since I turned 40 (really about 37) my sexual desire has increased and my husbands has decreased (we are both 48). I have 3 kids, 17, 14, and 10. I know why I want “more”. My kids are out of that really “needy” stage now and I don’t worry about them as much. We can go out on more dates, and sneak of more. But my husbands job is pretty stressful and the truth is, he’s not all that into it. Which hurts my feelings. I struggle with the “doesn’t he want me anymore” question on a regular basis. I can deny the irony of the situation though and it’s what makes me hesitate to say much to him about him. I mean, really? He has to wonder where this version of me was when he was getting turned down all the time LOL! I certainly bemoan that fact. I try very hard to set the stage for us. You know, the suggestive text, making sure I’m paying attention to him, complimenting him, not taking him for granted, etc. He knows how I feel….sort of. I try not to pressure him because well……that can work against us! Anyway, am I alone in this?
And as far as how many times a week. I’d say 2 on average. A good week maybe 3.
Vicky: I feel your pain. While we do have a good sex life, my husband’s job is also extremely stressful at times and he can often become consumed by it. Add the drama of four teenaged kids (little kids little problems; big kids big problems) and it’s just about enough to send anyone over the edge… or at least not in the mood!
I find that asking him about work and actively listening helps him get it out of his system. (You know, like when you’re trying to enjoy a glass of wine together and you can see that his head is spinning with, in my husband’s case, spreadsheets.) I empathize and make a few comments here and there, but never offer advice. I find that also, by expressing, “Jeez, babe, I’m so proud of all you do… and the pressure! Of being the main provider for ALL of us!” seems to really help him feel genuinely appreciated (and I do mean it).
Of course, I follow that up with a lecherous joke about how I might help him relax…
Good luck, girlfriend!
Vicky, I think you first deserve recognition for a number of things: making the effort to send suggestive texts, paying attention to and complimenting him, AND the fact that you are having sex 2-3 times a week! Based on the polls I’ve been involved in (drinking in friends’ backyards), that’s a high number for a couple in their late forties with 3 kids! As I admitted, you’ve got me beat! 🙂
But, I do understand the frustration of feeling rejected and I’ve been there too, when stress and responsibilities get in the way. Lori made some great points about listening as a way to encourage unloading the stress of the day and moving on to one of the best known physical de-stressors. Also, are there things he especially likes that help him get in the mood? Don’t want to get too explicit, but we all have things that really get us going. Sometimes I have to remind my husband what those are for me. So maybe him asking what he’d like or trying something different? I know there aren’t easy answers and that it probably feels like you’ve tried everything, but he must know he’s incredibly lucky to have a wife who’s so into it and I can’t imagine there isn’t some way to get him a little more interested. Let us know if you find something that helps! If not, maybe we can circulate an anonymous suggestion list! 😉
Vicky, you are not alone. *hugs!*