Shame vs. Guilt
I just finished reading The Gifts of Imperfection: Your Guide to a Wholehearted Life by Brené Brown and highly recommend it. It was quite eye opening and at times, a painful experience. She’s so damn honest and spot-on as she points out all the things we do to sabotage our own happiness. For example, she believes almost all of us use something to numb our feelings regularly. It could be alcohol, drugs, food, sex, busyness… the list is endless. You get it. It’s kind of hard to deny, don’t you think? Then she points this out:
“We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.”
Ouch.
One of Brené’s many claims to fame (She’s been on Oprah – the highest honor in my book!) is that she researches shame. I didn’t think I had much interest in shame until I started reading her book. The connections between her findings on shame and what I write about surprised me. More importantly, I was forced to admit that shame or the fear of it drives too many of my own choices.
Can you imagine the crushing shame you would feel if you were a wife, mother, and part-time professor who had an affair with a former student? That’s Beth’s story. She’s the main character in my books. So, I suppose I write and think a lot more about shame than I realized. But Beth doesn’t only feel shame, she feels terrible guilt. Wouldn’t you?
One of the things that Brené’s book clarified for me is the difference between shame and guilt. It seems one is bad and the other is good. I had honestly never thought about it the way she explains it. There’s an easy way to tell the difference. Shame sounds like this: “I’m bad. I’m stupid.” Guilt is more along the lines of: “I did something bad. I made a stupid choice.”
So, which one would you guess is helpful and which is harmful? It’s pretty clear, right? When I eat more than I should, my shame voice tells me, “You’re an out-of-control fat pig. You’ll never get to the weight you want to be.” But a little guilt might be okay. A little. It might lead to something more like this, “It probably would have been better if I stopped at two cookies instead of ten. I should journal about why I felt the need to comfort myself. I’m not happy with my choice this time, but I’ll make a better one next time.”
Okay, did that read as ridiculous as it felt to write? I hardly ever talk to myself that way. The “out-of-control fat pig” story is much more familiar to me. So, this new way of seeing shame vs. guilt is a gift to me as an author and as a person. Now that I’m writing the final book in the Is This All There Is? trilogy, I think this difference is one of the lessons Beth will learn, as she works to continue forgiving herself for her affair, even eight years later. She will always feel guilty about it, which may be what stops her from ever doing it again. But it doesn’t have to define her. She can give up the shame. And so can you, for whatever you did or will do. And so can I, for the many things I have done and will do. Because as Brené reminds us all…
“You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”
If you can spare three more minutes, this explanation of the difference between shame and guilt, part of a chat between Brené and Oprah, is worth watching: http://www.oprah.com/own-super-soul-sunday/Dr-Brene-Brown-Why-Guilt-Is-Better-Than-Shame-Video
And here’s the link to buy The Gifts of Imperfection
*The second book in the Is This All There Is? series is complete and being edited. I should have good news soon about a release date!
21 Comments
Thanks for this post, Patricia, and for clearing this up. I never knew the difference between shame and guilt either, but clearly it’s a big one.
Thanks for reading and commenting, Mary! I agree, it’s a big one. Brené really helped me see that feeling a little guilty from time to time help can help us course-correct, but the shame game can only do harm.
I can definitely relate to the “you’re an out-of-control fat pig” self-talk, especially after the pizza lunch I ate today. Haha. Thanks for the informative post, Patricia. I’ve never really thought about the difference between shame and guilt. I’ll be adding this book to my TBR list.
Thanks for saying you can relate, Shelly. It’s hard for me to be so honest, but it helps to know others struggle with similar issues. I hope you enjoyed that pizza, because I’ve met you and you look fantastic!!! Given our similar tastes in this genre, in all genres really
Nice work, Patricia. I like the way you’ve taken what you read and applied it not only to your personal life, but also to your writing life. Great!
Another important distinction between the two is that shame is often inherited and shared. A child can be born into shame and bear that cross her whole life. Shame also is common when people are taught values that make them feel bad about the way they look/speak/are. It’s about context.
Guilt is more about culpability for one’s own wrong doing. Guilt is dependent on the facets of one’s moral code, whatever that code happens to be. I think it is possible to feel different levels of shame AND guilt depending on the context of what generates these. The old Ugly Duckling parable comes to mind. A change of venue can also reduce guilt greatly when behavior is viewed differently within a different cultural and social milieu and I think you will touch on this in your second book.
I’m so glad you bring these issues out in the open. They are so important for women to think about and discuss. Thank you, Patricia for another great teaser.
Sounds like a very insightful read.Definitely on my must read list. I’d like to learn to use that good guilt to stop my bad habit of night eating.
Patricia,
What an eye opening post. The characters in my book, Four Rubbings feel guilt riddled with shame. But now I see that as the shame washes away, they are left with the truth of their situation. Now to apply this in real life!!!
This isn’t the first time I’ve had Brene Brown recommended to me, and your post really piques my interest. Now I recognize that I definitely use shame talk when it comes to food, weight and body. I look forward to reading this as soon as I have time to read anything that isn’t work-related 🙂
After reading Brene Brown’s book – you’ve brought great insights to your novel and main character. I’m sure you were reading Brown’s book with great interest – making marks in the margins as you read, the whole bit.
So strange that this is the second time this week that Brene Brown’s name has come up. Two friends of mine were just talking about her TED Talks…
https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=brene%20brown%20ted
Patricia,
What a great post! I never really thought much about the differences in shame vs guilt until reading this just now. This makes sense though and I’d like to read more into it soon. Thanks so much for sharing.
– Jamie 🙂
Excellent points, Corie. There have been many times when if I looked at something from a different cultural, ideological, generations (etc.) standpoint, I could see it in a whole new light. Thank YOU for your profound insights and unwavering support.
Anne, I’m right there with you. It’s almost 9 pm and I keep telling myself I can eat in the morning, I can eat in the morning, I can…
Jennifer, I am so intrigued by the description of Four Rubbings. I think teens are especially vulnerable to feelings of guilt and shame, often for things that are perfectly normal for them to want to explore!
Julie, I had the same experience! So many people told me I had to check out Brené’s work before I finally did! I love, love, love, love (sorry but one love is just not enough!) that Ted talk!!! That was my first introduction to her. So glad you posted it here.
Jamie, I never thought about it either – before reading this book. Thanks for the kind feedback and for all your wonderful support and awesome BETA reading!
LOVE this. I just did a podcast today with someone re: body issues and disordered eating (I do a nutrition/health podcast in addition to my author podcast!), and shame is the root of so much of it. I LOVE Brene Brown.
(I’ve already commented on this blog post on July 17th – but I wanted to come back to say THANK YOU for adding it to the Hump Day Blog Hop!)
Huh. Will have to ponder this for a while. I often feel guilty about things – but guilt over just about everything gets beaten into you when you go through 12 years of Catholic school. For me, shame and guilt are quite different and I experience them in rather different situations. Yes, I’m ashamed to admit that I ate 5 cookies today, but guilt doesn’t really factor into that for me. On the other hand, I didn’t go up to my mom’s yesterday even though she wanted me to come for lunch. (It’s an hour drive both ways.) I told her I’d been doing way too much driving the previous 3 days and was just too tired to come up. I said I’d come one day next week instead. Being tired is nothing to feel ashamed of – it is what it is. But did I feel guilty for not going? You bet your boots I did!
I LOVE to hear when a book impacts someone FOREVER, such as this one has done for you. Thank you for sharing your own heart, while sharing an important work for all of us.
I definitely use food to numb.
Guilt v Shame – what an interesting way to look at things. I think I feel more guilt than shame, but I’ve never explored it….time for reflection.