2545zoomShame vs. Guilt

I just finished reading The Gifts of Imperfection: Your Guide to a Wholehearted Life by Brené Brown and highly recommend it. It was quite eye opening and at times, a painful experience. She’s so damn honest and spot-on as she points out all the things we do to sabotage our own happiness. For example, she believes almost all of us use something to numb our feelings regularly. It could be alcohol, drugs, food, sex, busyness… the list is endless. You get it. It’s kind of hard to deny, don’t you think? Then she points this out:

“We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.”

Ouch.

One of Brené’s many claims to fame (She’s been on Oprah – the highest honor in my book!) is that she researches shame. I didn’t think I had much interest in shame until I started reading her book. The connections between her findings on shame and what I write about surprised me. More importantly, I was forced to admit that shame or the fear of it drives too many of my own choices.

Can you imagine the crushing shame you would feel if you were a wife, mother, and part-time professor who had an affair with a former student? That’s Beth’s story. She’s the main character in my books. So, I suppose I write and think a lot more about shame than I realized. But Beth doesn’t only feel shame, she feels terrible guilt. Wouldn’t you?

One of the things that Brené’s book clarified for me is the difference between shame and guilt. It seems one is bad and the other is good. I had honestly never thought about it the way she explains it. There’s an easy way to tell the difference. Shame sounds like this: “I’m bad. I’m stupid.” Guilt is more along the lines of: “I did something bad. I made a stupid choice.”

So, which one would you guess is helpful and which is harmful? It’s pretty clear, right? When I eat more than I should, my shame voice tells me, “You’re an out-of-control fat pig. You’ll never get to the weight you want to be.” But a little guilt might be okay. A little. It might lead to something more like this, “It probably would have been better if I stopped at two cookies instead of ten. I should journal about why I felt the need to comfort myself. I’m not happy with my choice this time, but I’ll make a better one next time.”

Okay, did that read as ridiculous as it felt to write? I hardly ever talk to myself that way. The “out-of-control fat pig” story is much more familiar to me. So, this new way of seeing shame vs. guilt is a gift to me as an author and as a person. Now that I’m writing the final book in the Is This All There Is? trilogy, I think this difference is one of the lessons Beth will learn, as she works to continue forgiving herself for her affair, even eight years later. She will always feel guilty about it, which may be what stops her from ever doing it again. But it doesn’t have to define her. She can give up the shame. And so can you, for whatever you did or will do. And so can I, for the many things I have done and will do. Because as Brené reminds us all…

“You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”

If you can spare three more minutes, this explanation of the difference between shame and guilt, part of a chat between Brené and Oprah, is worth watching: http://www.oprah.com/own-super-soul-sunday/Dr-Brene-Brown-Why-Guilt-Is-Better-Than-Shame-Video

And here’s the link to buy The Gifts of Imperfection

*The second book in the Is This All There Is? series is complete and being edited. I should have good news soon about a release date!

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